Giving Support Without Being Asked (and Asking For The Support You Need)
Showing up for a loved one during an untimely event is often a reflexive act. Yet, too often, the loved one’s specific needs either go unvoiced or get lost in translation. The good news is the barriers to delivering rockstar-level care can be avoided by simply learning how to provide support without having to ask, “How can I help?”
Sometimes Hallmark Isn’t Enough
There’s no guidebook to life. No simple step-by-step instructions on how to respond to even the most common events, let alone adverse occurrences. An artifact of the awkwardness that accompanies everyday life is the set of trite but well-intended phrases that our society has adopted to be used in response to shared lived experiences. We often respond to the news of someone passing away with, “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” When a couple—even a couple we know well—ties the knot, we lift our glasses and trot out those well-worn words, “Congratulations to the happy couple!” And after being notified on social media that it’s our cousin’s birthday, we tap a quick “Have a great day!” and move on to the next cat video.
The point isn’t that these phrases are ill-considered or even inappropriate. It’s just that it’s become the norm for our sympathy, concern, and joy to be expressed with all the personalization of a Hallmark Card. The truth is, however, that no cliché or $1.99 sentiment can sum up our thoughts and feelings when we receive the news that someone that we love is facing an unforeseen hardship. Unfortunately, this crisis of tepid expression extends beyond sentiment to support. It’s only natural for us to want to help when friends and loved ones genuinely need our love, support, and care to rally through the hard times. Yet, the usual approach to these situations is to ask, “How can I help?”
Turn That Question Around
Just as it is difficult to know how to help someone, it’s not easy to ask for help. Friends and loved ones—although desperately in need—may be uncomfortable with the notion of seeking help from others. Some fear rejection, others fear appearing weak, and many simply don’t want to become a bother to others. No matter the reason, asking for help can be paralyzing and may lead to people who truly need care suffering in silence.
When someone we know is facing adversity, it would seem to be a no-brainer to ask how we can help. These words, however, rather than easing the friend or loved one’s burden, place the onus on the one in need by saddling them with the additional responsibility of managing the efforts of “helpers”. When this happens, the party in need will often ask only for what they feel will be least inconvenient, which may be nothing at all.
Be Specific
Well-meaning supporters often say, “If you need anything, let me know.” But it’s possible that the person in need may be too overwhelmed to be able to act on such a broad, open-ended offer. Be as specific as possible when proposing helpful intentions to avoid adding to an already challenging list of burdens. An easy way to achieve this is to try reworking your usual go-to phrases:
“I hope you’re doing okay with the news about XYZ. Let me know if I can help.”
The response to this phrasing is often simply, “Thank you. I’m fine” Both caregivers and care receivers frequently answer questions about their well-being or needs with a smile and polite refusal. Try rephrasing the sentence by normalizing their emotions, and then extend an invitation for a more in-depth conversation.
Revised: “I know other people who have had challenges with caregiving. Please let me know if you would ever like to meet or talk on the phone about what this is like for you.”
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
As above, the vagueness of this request places the burden on the person in need, adding additional emotional labor to their challenges and responsibilities. As an alternative, think about what practical help you can offer.
Revised: “I’m going to the supermarket now, would you like to give me your list and I can pick up some things for you while I’m there?”
Be like those Shoe People and Just Do It.
If an offer of support for a person in need is phrased well, it may keep them from falling into a pattern of pushing forward alone and eventually burning out. It’s also important for friends and supporters to ‘walk the walk,’ as sometimes the best way to help is to simply just to act. If you feel it’s best to ask, consider suggesting helping with tasks or responsibilities you suspect they may need assistance with or may not be able to do due to their specific circumstances.
Prepare care packages and meals
Offer to run errands, clean the house, pick up medications and/or shop for groceries
Offer to drive to and from doctor appointments
Assist with childcare needs
Organize a phone chain or meal drop off schedule so others can help in a meaningful way
Simply stay in touch by calling, texting, visiting, or taking them out
This is How I Can Help
Despite Hallmark’s (and others’) efforts to encapsulate sincere compassion in the simple phrase, “Thinking of you,” providing exceptional support to those you love is no simple task. Being able to understand and act on what a care receiver or a caregiver needs is key to providing effective support.
My PowerPak provides a holistic platform that fosters understanding by helping manage all the essential details surrounding a friend or loved one’s wants and needs. While nothing can replace the genuine expressions of love and support for those in need, with My PowerPak you’ll never need to ask, “how can I help?” again.